dry-heave: verb 1. experience the reflex of vomiting; retch.

Vomit, they say. Just let it all out.
Lately, it is dry heave. Sucks, it truly sucks.
Pretty much, it is miserable. I pretty much prefer to have something to throw up with than an empty stomach. Before you jump to conclusion, I am using this as metaphor to describe how I have been feeling.

Currently, my soul is in this funky dry heave.

They say, it is best to stop re-visiting the past. It seems like I have walked thousand of steps moving forward, putting on million masks, filling the void, and kept on running. Here I am in Alaska with a larger void, more raw, and more in the moment than ever. Don't get me wrong, the escape to Alaska truly saved me in so many ways. Being lost in Alaska forced to have a wrestling match with myself, which it isn't final round just yet. Even though, I am thousand miles away from home and done so many things in short amount of time. There's this darkness latched deep within my soul, which I could not shaken. It is almost as if I have a thorn on my side --

Few months ago, I FINALLY sat down and had a cry fest from bottom of my heart. For first time, I actually face it and forgave all of my ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, ex-crushes, any men that hold a whatever size pieces of my heart for the past 25 years. Each one, I wrote a lengthy letter and sent to them via Facebook messenger. (Facebook is quicker and safer for my heart since I already changed my phone number for purpose to cut all strings with my past.) The moment I pushed, "ENTER" by sending the letter-- I felt lighter and a piece of myself weaved within stronger. It is almost as if I am picking myself up, slowly and surely.

There's just one darkest corner pile up of cobweb from years ago -- the relationship I never once thought I will would ever go through. A toxic 'silence' abusive relationship that took me a LONG time to snapped myself out of denial that I have became another statistic of this abuse. However, what made this abuse so common, discreet, and 'different' is that I dated and pretty much nearly lose myself by 90% to a man who for some reason have a power over me. I will tell you this -- he isn't handsome at all. He is like Chris Farley just with some kind of one-click to suck you dry to the bone. One thing I can surely give him kudos is that he truly knows how to manipulate a person. So many moments, I questioned his 'lines' with head to the side and questioning if I was crazy. If I could go back, I would have wished that I have stick to my first gut instinct. After our first friend-date, I was not feeling very comfortable because everything was happening SO fast in one night plus I was not looking for relationship since I wanted to enjoy my experiences at Gallaudet. Next day, I approached to him in person to talk and to let him know how I think we should remain friends. What I did not see coming that shook me to the core was when he started yelling at me and gas lighting me by saying how I owe him money for our date. Words flying out of his hands left me dumbfounded.

My first male who does not respect my NO. This was only the beginning of HELL. After several attempts of going out on a date with him and my answer was still, "Uh... No." He would not accept it. It lead from on and off dating to pressuring me to give up my faith for Jehovah. He would make sure to keep me up late by distracting me with the purpose to try to have me skipped my service. It was rough at first. He will slowly move in. I did not have the balls to tell him to not to move in because I don't want to face another yelling episode from him. It doesn't help the fact that I am the new girl on campus. Each day, I put on a mask to try to expand my networking by meeting new people. It was rough as I am working as resident assistant by night, full-time graduate student in fast paced by day, and trying to please this man who quickly became my poison stripping the core of my identity by layer.

Sorry to burst your bubble, I am far from perfect than I appeared to be at time. I may be pretty an expert at putting on masks to leave you an impression of how I want you to view me as. Many time, it is my words that you should be paying attention to, it is full of subtle hints of who I am. Back the point, the scene that kept replaying my head. Well, two scenes. Mind you, this may be little graphic.

He was pressuring me to be comfortable naked in front of him. I told him how I am not comfortable and is kind of person that doesn't want the guy to be bored with me physically. Yet, he kept pressuring me. One day, he pressured me to have sex. I kept refusing. He will suggested different options such as changing clothes naked in front of him, taking a shower naked, etc. After multiple of sugar coating and pressures, I slowly give-in. Again, I was the new girl who doesn't have 'any' friends. Yes, I am aware I have friends. They are new to me. I didn't know what are resources are on campus as well until later on. One vividly comment he made shook me to the core, "Many christian girls does anal sex, it is not like losing your virginity." I was sick to my stomach and thinking to myself, "Is he asking me to perform anal sex with him?!" With several more refusal, and getting tired of saying, "No" and running out of reason why I don't want to. Plus, dealing with his sexual frustration of not getting what he want among my pile of stress with school and work. This all happened before we even started, "dating" or "in relationship".  Yes, I caved in and let him. It hurts like hell. He enjoyed it, I did not.  It was not the last time -- I never liked it or want to do it again.

Second scene, the scene that will forever branded in my brain. After we were officially in relationship, (it only lasted five months plus 3 months of his persistent pursuing me) one shower episode like it became our safe haven where he would easily expressed  whatever is on his mind, heart, or whatsoever. During the time, it was like if that's only way to get him to get in touch with his softer side. Looking back now, I would say that's all bullcrap.  He brought up about sex, and I simply told him how I was waiting as I want it to be best present to give to my husband. After I said that, his eyes became furious and stated how I don't see him as my future husband. I insisted that he should leave and there he refused to leave my room. There I go again, feeling trapped and out of options. After few months of pressuring and begging, the "No" game became tiring.

I told him that I was ready and that he might as well just get it over with. He doesn't bother to double-check if I was actually sure. To be frank with you, I was not ready at the moment. I did not want to do it. I still wanted to wait and give the last of me to my future adventure best friend who will be my husband.

No.

Biggest regret and mistake of my life.

Lost my virginity to the man who looks like Chris Farley and who thinks only about himself. Narcissist. The moment he went inside of me while dry. There was no making out or setting me in the mood. It was PAINFUL. The words out his hands was like bullet went through my confidence, trust, self-worth, and value down to the gutter. "Told you, it isn't all magic or butterfly like you expect. It's just sex." Blinking my eyes quickly as I am left dumbfounded by his harsh choice of words and told him, "It's my first time.  You said that." I started bawling, not sure if I was crying because of his harsh words or the dry-sex. Next thing, he said, "You're not normal. Other girls doesn't cry like this. They do it better."

There he goes stripped all of the layers off of me bare. Left with nothing. Here I was hiding in my tears alone away from everyone I trusted and away from people who truly knows me. There I felt I was nobody. I became someone else that I did not want to become. Virginity was my pride and joy. It was something I had that many females I encountered always admired that apart of me. This is first time I ever said or typed it out loud to anyone or thing.

December 2017, age 26. Used.


Two months later, I had enough. With my wifey flew in from Oklahoma for one-week and I needed some strength and support with reminder of who I am. We bought few bottles of wines, I chugged down three wines to myself in anger. Allow my inner voice screamed out of me to the point I finally listened. I packed up his stuffs and placed it on my desk. Knowing there is no point of explaining or telling him that we are over. That was best feeling ever, feeling so empowered and alive. I knew it was only temporary.

Moment after my wifey flew back to Oklahoma, I became afraid. I had no clutch to lend on. Alone and scare of what is going to happen next. So, I started to sabotaging myself and questioning if I made mistakes. Second guessing my judgments call...

Even though, we may not be in relationship. The cycle remained, on and off for nearly two years. As I was screaming to put stop to it. However I just don't know how to keep up with  it especially whenever I am at my vulnerable stage, which he taken advantage of each time.

Gallaudet was my black hole. Toxic. No one really knew, but as his girlfriend. For two stinky years, he claimed me when we were actually NOT together. That's so sickening!

After a conversation with a dear friend of mine tonight catching up and all, the topic of my ex popped up. I realized the sooner I accepted that he does happened. Better I can truly heal from all of that nightmares.

I forgave him. Finally.

Best feeling ever.
Knowing that he will never bother me ever again.
He got the hint that I meant it. April 2017.

A month before I graduated from Gallaudet University.

There's no word to explain how it felt to have something or someone finally unlatched off of you. At first, I was not sure what to feel or expect. Surely, I expected that he would come back and try again in a month, which he always does. One month became two, three, and four. He was goner and off to the next target. It doesn't take him long. Oh man, I was thrilled! Yet, my heart breaks for the next lady who will be succumb under his love-bombing cycle. In healthier verison of myself, I truly hoped he will faced himself and realized that he truly needs HELP to become a better man. I believe this is one person who I felt that I haven't taught him anything other than he lost an amazing woman.

Even though, I am putting my foot one step at a time. I am moving forward. I survived all of that madness within two years. Almost attempted suicide because of all emptiness I felt inside because of him among other things. However, something inside of me opened up with a reminder.

Quiet whisper.
Quiet strength.
Quiet hope to start again.

Mary is here.
She is back, stronger than ever.

This isn't something I wish upon on anyone, not on my own enemy (if I have any).
If you are not ready, the don't do it. If you felt something is too good to be true, trust it.
You know yourself more than you think.

Among those blurry hectic fast-paced two years with him along with my heavy load of school, I cannot believed that I survived that. I did SO much more UGH crazy stuffs with him that I never thought I would do for a guy. It was all simply trying to drown my real-self in order to prove to him that I am not like other girl that he slept with. Yes, I am very competitive and like to prove someone wrong. Sometime, proving someone wrong isn't good thing especially if someone is already stripping the true identity for his own gain.

Here's truth:
My name is Mary.
I experienced my first and last domestic violence relationship with a narcissistic.
I am no longer a virgin, yet I accepted that.
It does not define me.
However, I am saving myself from all sexual/physical with a man until I know for certain the next guy I am going out on a date with will be my last and is my husband.

There's so much more to me.
During my healing process of putting myself back together, I learned that I am pretty awesome.

Yes, I am still dealing with my flashback and will caught up in tears at thoughts of him or the concept of sex. Yet, it is getting better at time.

Bottom line: Be true. Never give YOU up for anyone. Someone awesome will see YOU for the way you are, and love you.

be-YOU-itful.


This is my story.
Beginning of my new chapter as I am turning page to my healing process.
Creating my own future.

<3